My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
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