Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
