In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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