After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
