Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Swine flu. Run for my life!
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
