Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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