Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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