apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
