i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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