Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
