I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
