I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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