Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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