Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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