I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
