There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
