I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
