First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
