I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
