She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize