6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
