1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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