How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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