Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
