just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
