There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
