i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
