Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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