The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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