I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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