guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
The feeling are messing with the penis
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
