It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
