I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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