My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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