Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
