Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize