Don't make out with my wife yet
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
