last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
