if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize