Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
