I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
