my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
