I just found puke in my bra..
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
