dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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