You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
