a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My ATM looks so different sober.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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