I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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