How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
