I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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