if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
