And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I need to sanitize my soul.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
