happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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