So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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