trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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