Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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