Im at strip club and am horny
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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