He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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