i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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