and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
