Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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