I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
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