Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
