Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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