drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
we're so committed to being not committed
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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